when will everything be okay?!

My heart is mush. It isn’t even in pieces that is how broken I am.

I am still a mess. I can’t eat I hardly sleep and he keeps coming up in my mind. WHat is he doing? Who is he with? Why hasn’t he messaged me? Is it right to hang out? Is it too soon?

I feel like I have acute anxiety constantly. My heart rate is always up and I can’t relax.. I wake up so much during the night to thoughts of him WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. It has gotten to the point where I am pretty sure I am making myself sick… 

In an attempt to pull myself from my depression I agreed to got to rugby training with a girl from work… It was great and got my mind off stuff for a while but after having not eaten for so long I almost fainted and I felt embarrassed. But what can I do?

The trip is next week and I am scared. After trying to get three people to come with me I asked him if he still wanted to go. He can go wednesday-friday (When I said I didn’t want to go he agreed to work the weekend) and because of the kids he was never able to come till wednesday. So I might train up on Monday and try not to do anything too self destructive while by myself for 2 days. BLAH

I hate myself. I am not this type of person. I just want the magic potion to turn all this off so I can be me again. 

While I have seen other people in my life I would say that I have had 2 serious relationships but this one feels the worst.. I can’t say why. Maybe I felt deeper for Steve? I still worked with my first love so it is not like this is new (yes I have issues) but I wasn’t this bad the first time around. Maybe is was because I saw it coming the first time and had fallen out of love but I was deliriously happy this time still deeply in love. Oh and facebook wasn’t used as much as it is now. Myspace was happening but it was nothing like facebook.. now I know when he is just buming it online.. when he is bored and what he is doing. It makes it hard.. I can’t block him.. not just yet.

It took everything that I have not to ask him to hang out today and it will be the same tomorrow. I am pathetic. I hate myself. I want to live in my bed forever.

Most of all I just want to be me again. It will take me the longest time to feel something for someone again. And in the mean time I am left cold, alone and missing the closeness of another person.

9 hours ago  /  0 notes

You’d think I was the first person to go through a break up..

The calm that I felt yesterday has gone.

I woke up last night in a panic attack. I can’t exactly remember the dream but it was a mix between me thinking of his kids and wondering why I hadn’t heard his alarm go off for work.. then I crash into the reality that he dumped me.

I’m not sure if he has gone through the stuff that I gave back to him. I gave him the necklace that he gave me (I loved it so fucking much but just couldn’t stand to have it) a snow globe that he gave me for christmas that had the santa photos lodged into it that we got with the kids (the picture meant so much to me because the kids wanted me in the photo I didn’t impose) and the christmas card that he gave me (it said some really beautiful things and I feel that if he meant what he said we wouldn’t be in our current position)

I am proud of myself that we didn’t sleep together. We had two long hugs and I didn’t want to let go.. I had to make sure that I didn’t look at his face because I would have lost it and kissed him and things would have gotten weird.

I FUCKING LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH AND IT FUCKING HURTS

This just doesn’t feel right. I am sure I am stuck in a stage that I can’t move on from. URGH. This sucks. 

3 days ago  /  0 notes

It went well

I am surprised that everything went well. Believe me i thought it would go worse.

I asked my questions and got some answers.. While i don’t agree with his logic i have accepted the fact that it is real and happening.

Apparently his okayness is a front and he misses me. We hugged and i didn’t want to let go. I miss him so so much.

Im not sure what to do now. I am not sure where i fit and what to do though i hope the crying can now stop.

4 days ago  /  1 note

Soooo

Today is it. I am pooling all my strength together to get through this.

4 days ago  /  1 note

I may have too much at stake

I think I am sending myself insane.

I feel like I am pinning too much on the swapping of stuff that shall be done tomorrow. There are things I need to ask and stuff that needs to be decided on like the trip.. 

But anyway I thought that I would list questions here so I can get them out of my head and to see if I look even more pathetic in print

- Did you ever feel the same about me

- The reasons that you gave me to break up upon reflection were in fact superficial are you able to tell me the truth

- Are you having a hard time at all

- Was I just a bit of fun for you

- When did you in fact decide that you didn’t want to be with me anymore and why did you wait so long

- Did I really make you happy or was I just a distraction

- If you say that I made you happy and I was stability in your life why would you get rid of me?

I guess mostly I just want to shake him and ask why the fuck did this happen and so out of the blue.

Odds are I won’t ask any of this as I am pretty sure it is all pathetic. And really it won’t achieve anything.

I do have to work with him tomorrow. That is going to suck. Thank god I have a buffer. 

5 days ago  /  2 notes